A Hate Letter To The Worst Magazine

Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine,

It’s really no surprise that I despise your soft magazine. With all the pink fonts, cheesy photo shoots and the recycled articles on how to climax while on top, as if you just discovered the secret yesterday. It’s beneath me to ever pick up such a thing ever again.

Sure, I may have been a fan once when I was 15 and curious to know what fellatio was all about. But, as I have matured and grown into a sexually liberated woman, you have not.

I will give you kudos though, for successfully brainwashing young women into spending $5 a month for your magazine when really, how many cover stories on shower sex can you write? How many boring stories about how to flirt can we read? Again, it’s all recycled fluff. You’re nothing but a cute bunny trapped in a ferocious lion’s den. You won`t win the fight.

I am a woman and I love sex. I love sex more than I love love. In life, it’s way up there next to breathing and Nintendo. I know it and everyone knows it – except you, Cosmo. That’s why in order to ever obtain my respect, it’s important to get up to the level that a sex & relationships magazine should be. Why not investigate and write about bondage, swinger’s parties or DP if you’re ballsy enough? At times, Cosmo, you write like a 50 year old Conservative woman who uses the term “make love” instead of “fuck”.

Also, your erotic fiction excerpts have the same appeal as a lukewarm bath. I think a 12-year-old has the ability to write something a bit saucier. What is also laughable is your Bedside Astrology. Really? You actually believe that because I’m a Taurus, the moon thinks I’m going to have a wild time with a co-worker on January 30th? Really? Who’d you hire to come up with this stuff, Charlie Sheen with a mild case of ESP?

Cosmo, there’s no time for me to read poorly written articles on how to please my man. I already know how to do that; otherwise I wouldn’t have a man around to please. I’d suggest turning tables and finally writing articles on how men can please us but this is what a smart person does: talks to their partner about it! Hopefully your readership gains back enough brain cells to realize this and that will be the end of your crummy project.

Enough with the fluff, get to the good stuff!

I might be waiting,

Natalia.