Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

What do Elin Woods, Sandra Bullock and I have in common?

We’ve all undergone extremely unnecessary heartbreak brought on by the worst type of person: a cheater.

Some of us may not be highly profiled celebrities or married women with children but any way you slice it, cheating still cuts like a knife. For weeks now, I’ve been trying to uncover the biggest mystery of all time. Why do men cheat? It’s been boggling my mind for the longest time and personally, I’ve accepted the fact that it happens for multiple reasons. It’s boredom, it’s insecurity, it’s extreme, uncontrolled horniness.

Trying to deal with this recent gut wrenching situation, I spoke to a male friend for his perspective. I took his opinion with a grain of salt, because ultimately, I try to make decisions on my own, but one statement of his really stuck in my head. “Why would he go back and get some old McDonald’s when he has a steak dinner waiting for him, you know? You are the steak.” As silly this analogy sounds, it makes a lot of sense to me (excluding the fact that I’m actually more like tofu than streak). It’s quite similar to Sandra Bullock’s case where the supposed love of the beautiful award-winning actress’s life cheated on her with a trashy, white supremacist with tattoos on her forehead. If society ever taught me anything, it’s to never trust anyone with a tattoo on their forehead!

It’s a great blow to the ego to discover not only have you been cheated on, but you’ve been cheated on with a trashy, unintelligent person on bottom of life’s totem pole. I hate to sound bitterly shallow, but really now, you fly Cheaters Airlines and you don’t even upgrade to first class?! They can cry all they want and plead to you to take them back. Maybe some people are worthy of a second chance, but how can you be completely sure that it won’t happen again? Rather than become paranoid and ruin any other relationship the future may hold, I’ve tried my best to overcome the situation. Well, I’ve found out it takes 7 easy steps.


7. You’re going to need a lot of this. Chug.


6. . Once you’re finally numb from all the heartbreak and drunk for the vodka, you’re most likely going to be found at the nearest karaoke bar screaming out lyrics from Alanis Morrissette’s “You Oughta Know”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY


5. When the anger subsides, the sadness enters. This is a great movie to watch when you find yourself in times of cheatin’ troubles.


4. If you’re a woman like me, you know the mall can lift your spirits with every swipe of the card. Take out as many cards as you have and hopefully a new pair of shoes or a sale at French Connection gives you the tools you need to continue looking fine as hell and making the scum cry in his sleep for ever losing out on a beautiful person such as yourself.


3. Sometimes all we need is a good escape. Personally, I like to distress at terminals. I don’t even need to be travelling anywhere necessarily; I just take pleasure in sitting at the airport watching everyone go by. Call me weird, I just really enjoy randomly sitting in terminals....Okay, so maybe this is why I fail at relationships.


2. Frank Sinatra once said “The best revenge is massive success”. With this in mind, don’t continue to stay in bed crying in a tub of ice cream in your fleece onesie. Continue accomplishing great things with your life while he rots working minimum wage. I take pride in my school and work life. It’s the best kind of mattress to fall back on in a time like this.


1. And finally, when someone you trusted breaks you into a million little pieces, you’re going to have those few friends who’ll pick up those million little pieces and try to put you back together again.

Cheers to those good friends right now!