The Susan Lucci of Dating

A new girl friend of mine made a comment the other week that really made me think. Obviously, when girls get together we mostly dish about dates and dudes and the hardships that come with finding a decent one that doesn’t keep you a dirty secret (I know, how Sex and the City of us!). Her comment, come to think of it, parallels with something a male friend of mine made when I told him my last boyfriend pulled a Jesse James on me.

She: “It’s hard to get into a serious relationship in the city”

He: “The city is full of sluts”

I have no idea where to go from here. Do I defend the city? Do I defend myself? I’m pretty sure this girl has never been to Brampton or Georgetown or Orangeville. It’s much harder dating in the suburbs, unless your definition of a good time is overeating at East Side Mario’s, walking around the mall and seeing D list movies.

Since living in the downtown core of Toronto, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some interesting folks. You know, aside from those that ask me for change, start drunken fights or defecate in the park in broad daylight. I’m talking about real interesting folks. Those with bewildering point of views, a sense of adventure and bold ambitions. Those who actually give a detailed response to “What’s going on?” Major deal breaker: saying “not much” every time. Yawn.

When it comes to dating downtown, I’m a fan. Subcription, please? There are a million places to go, a million things to do in comparison to the bleak ‘burbs. On the downside, there’s a bevy of pretentious, snobby people who only want to talk about art and eat vegan cheese. Maybe my friend is right, you can have all the fun you want in the city but can you really settle down here? Since I don’t want to settle down just yet (or ever?), I’ve spoken to friends that do and the consensus is to nab a sweetheart and start families in the small towns they come from.

Now, just because I’m not ready to share an apartment with a paramour and purchase the latest Honda minivan, doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with half the male population in the city just for kicks. Well, that could have been me a couple years ago but with the dawn of a new decade comes the dawn of a new Natalia; my heart has somehow fallen on my sleeve and I can’t get it off. Like I do with everything that comes my way, I roll with it. Sometimes you get an itch inside of you (not the one that requires Vagisil, gross!) to seek out someone actually decent and worthy of your time. Unfortunately, I never read the manual on this kind of thing, so I keep forgetting about this weird thing called “feelings”. This may come on the first date or on the fourteenth date. It’s annoying but you can’t deny it or else it will keep you up all night – like the unfortunate [looking] babies on Teen Mom.



I can't say why dear friends come to me for dating advice since I have the worst track record of all time. I’m the Susan Lucci of dating. None the less, I notice I keep repeating myself to all my girl friends who find themselves in tricky situations with boys who clearly can’t grow into men. Perhaps these friends dig my brutal honesty and the “don’t stand for that, take him out with the trash” attitude I seem to have. Too bad they don’t dig the idea to walk away when things get sketchy and find someone better. Unlike these friends, I have the ability to walk the other way when said things get sketchy and hit the fan. I thank all those Bikini Kill albums I used to worship in my teen years. I love being there for my friends but sometimes I’m sick of consoling those who run into the same problem over and over again. Instead of repeating myself any further, because I can name people at the moment who should know a thing or too, I’ll share my take right here and now. Capiche?

- If he constantly texts instead of calling, he’s basically telling you he doesn’t have balls. A real man calls and speaks to you voice-to-voice, if not in person, if he truly cares to know how your day went.

- If you’ve been seeing a guy for a while and he still hasn’t introduced you to his friends, chances are he’s sleeping with someone else his friends know about.

- If a dude is too scared to hold your hand or kiss in public even after the fact that you’ve declared yourselves exclusive, he’s a sad wimp. No one should date a sad wimp.

- If the only time he wants to hang out is at 3 a.m., you obviously know why. No one ever really becomes girlfriend material after 3 a.m. Vice versa for the guys. Watch out for us man eaters.

- Finding your soul mate at the grocery store is a crock of shit. Chances are, it’ll happen while dancing at a club to Lil Wayne. And by soul mate I mean big mistake. Don’t stress over rushing into a monogamous relationship. I can’t stress how annoying it is to see so many girls whining on their Facebook status about a lack of a boyfriend and posting pictures of couples kissing on Tumblr. I want to just to punch something in the throat every time I see that nonsense.

Alas, I will end with saying that sure, sometimes at the end of the day I think we all want someone to play Scrabble with. Until then, make like yours truly and downloaded the PC version you can play all on your own.

We Got an Amplifier

I remember the first time I heard of The Constantines. Slightly sleazy, but it was in the back of a van in the middle of the night with this dude whose affection I’ve spontaneously stolen (God knows how). Let's be honest, back then, making a good mixtape was a sure way to get laid. I still have the one he made me to this day. Track 4 included You Are a Conductor by the great Cons. I made him rewind so we can listen to it again. He told me the meaning of the song and the background of the band he claimed his favourite. Soon it would be mine. There’s such a thrill when listening to an amazing new song in the company of someone who’s just as new and amazing. The soundtrack to falling in lust is an important one. I’m glad a couple more tracks were of The Cons (Love in Fear, On to You, Shine a Light). Although my feelings towards aforementioned dude never lasted long, my feelings for such a pivotal band in Canadian music grew more and more by the album.

There are many incredible moments in my life where The Constantines’ albums were played fittingly in the background: a romantic drive to a Niagara motel, a mad 2 mile hike home in the winter, missing the train and getting lost on a rainy day in Paris and playing road hockey with the boys just to name a few. There’s no other band I want to hear more than the Constantines to cheer me up. There’s no other band I want to talk about on a first date to break the ice. There’s no other band I want to see live a dozen times.

Speaking of, I am glad I was there to see them (sans keyboardist/guitarist Will Kidman) play their 10th anniversary show at Lee’s Palace back in December. The Constantines never put on a bad show and I like them for that. I remember at this particular show, for the encore, Feist joined Webb and co. on stage to sing Islands in the Stream. Perfect. I get so high off the band and the riffs and the sing-alongs.

The news that the band is now on an indefinite hiatus actually breaks what’s left of my heart. All I’ve got are the great memories of their shows and the feelings I had when listening to their albums for the first time. Hopefully great things are lined up for each band member post-Constantines.

So, like the song I’d constantly listen to on my headphones, to the Cons I say goodnight baby, and Amen!

And to cap things off, just to channel John Cusack in High Fildelity, here are my top 5 favourite Constantines songs. Dig it. It was damn hard picking 5. They’re all great. But, these 5 have more personal meaning to me (And, I’m being grumpy. No MP3s. Go out and get the damn albums).

5. Hotline Operator, off of Tournament of Hearts. The guitar makes this song.

4. Love in Fear, also off of Tournament of Hearts. This song brings back so many memories driving in cars in the middle of the night.

3. Hard Feelings off their last record, Kensington Heights. Another song that sounds just as good, if not better, live.

2. Little Instruments, off of their debut, Constantines. “Went out chasing landmarks, fell asleep at the bar”. Webb just wrote my bio right there. Song’s amazing live, everyone gets real into it.

1. Soon Enough off of Tournament of Hearts. God, the build-up and the lyrics! Webb’s voice is stunning here.

The Perks of Staying, The Perils of Running

Why is it that people have to go the distance to find themselves?

The book-turned-movie, Eat Pray Love, coming out this weekend is the real life story of Elizabeth Gilbert’s round-the-world journey as she struggles to overcome a painful divorce. She thinks she can find emotional refuge in foreign countries. There’s also a growing number of friends I know who claim they’re leaving the country and everything else behind to “search their soul” – cue the Ally McBeal theme song. I also interviewed a favourite local musician of mine, Peter Katz, who was telling me he finds Zen in touring; just driving his car across the country in silence.

I don’t want to find the notion of running away appealing anymore. The reason being, I’m tired. For 22 years, I’ve been doing nothing but running. I’m sick of running. I smoke way too much and I don’t even have on the appropriate shoes. My feet hurt. I’ve now promised myself to find my Zen within the four walls of my home. Within my downtown community, at the very least. I’ve done the whole “run-away-to-Europe-to-get-away-from-it-all”, which was fun and amazing and beautiful but it’s getting old. My passport’s expired. I can’t carry around heavy luggage anymore. I have to stay put. I need to stop running every time I get too scared to feel anything. What will it be like when my feet are planted on the root of my problems and not on the escape route?

Standing still is the hardest thing a spasmodic person such as myself can do. When you’re used to seeing everything blurred, it’s difficult at first to accept the still images of all the things you care about.

A great line from one of my favourite movies, Up in the Air, is “Make no mistake, moving is living.” Well, consider me comatose for the time being. Alas, I want my life engulfed with the still images of the things I chose not to let go of. Not that I take movies too much to heart or anything, but I’m hoping I don’t end up like Ryan Bingham in Up in the Air, as much my conscience tells me otherwise. Yes, maybe staying can be living, too.