One Isn't That Lonely Of A Number

One of my favourite films of all time is Magnolia. The film, directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, is about choice and consequences, about emptiness and regret. My favourite line in the film is when Quiz Kid Donnie Smith says “I really do have love to give; I just don't know where to put it.” Since the first time I watched the film – and I’ve seen it many times – I’ve directly identified with that line. As I grow older and go through good and bad experiences in life, I too feel that I have lots of love to give but nowhere to put it.

On my walk of shame home one frigid morning, I thought about Magnolia and I thought about all my girl friends. I thought to myself: Why are we all on this constant search for someone to give all our loving to?
Why can’t we just keep the love all to ourselves?

I say this, not as a lonely, heartbroken woman but an independent, happy woman. Sure, my feelings towards dating may have changed over the past two years. I used to be in love with romantic love but now I can gladly settle for someone who puts the toilet seat down. But my new outlook comes from a happy place, it is not derived out of bitterness or defeat, I swear.

When you’re single, you’re either pitied or glorified. Or in my case, fed a bunch of bullshit like “He’s out there waiting for you” or my favourite: “You’re single? But you can have any guy you want!” Um, no. If I could actually have any guy I wanted I’d be engaged in a three way with Spock and Captain Kirk. Some people really need to pipe down when they’re trying to comfort me.

The past two years alone have led me to believe I can establish The Museum of Failed Relationships. But in a cool, John Cucask from High Fidelity kind of way, I look back, laughing. I sure did learned a lot. I learned that I am simply not a relationship person. I'm good at a lot of things like scrabble, tennis and hailing a cab downtown. I'm just not good with relationships. Most women love being in love, love being smothered by flowers and phone calls and trips to meet the parents. I learned that those things don’t seem to make me feel happy and fulfilled. And, in an obscure way, I am thankful.



To kick start the summer reason I read a really encouraging book called The Last Woman in America by Cindy Guidry. It is her personal memoir of how she got fired from her job, has the craziest family ever and hasn’t been in a relationship in two years but she’s the happiest she’s ever been. I really love a woman who isn’t so concerned with finding a person to make her happy. She goes about her business and finds it on her own and that is something I’ve always been trying to do these past twenty one years.

No matter how many times people say I’m awesome, beautiful, funny, smart, [insert generic compliment here], judging from the last male encounter I had, I'm obviously not that special. It appears I'm not worth fighting for. I’m just not that horse everyone bets on. I'm okay with this. The more and more awful dates I go on, the more I just want to hang with my friends, paint the town red and focus on my future career. When boys give up when they can’t get it up, at least you got your books and your booze! That’s what I always say. It sure does help pass the time.

Contrary to what ancient philosophers like Aristophanes believed in, we are not halves, searching for the missing piece so we can be one again. I don’t care what Zeus says! I am not a half. I am a whole, all on my own. I don't need to be saved, so you might as well take that Superman costume off.

I always looked down on the majority of women in pop culture for thinking they’re not complete without a man. I wish Bridget Jones picked neither Colin Firth nor Hugh Grant and just went back to being a sassy single lady with an amusing job in journalism. The Damsel in Distress syndrome is sickening. It’s 2009 and they still don’t seem to have a cure for it. Perhaps one day, more and more women will look up to Mary Tyler Moore from her his 70’s show or Samantha Jones from Sex and the City and realize being alone is not the end of the world, in fact, it can be pretty fun.