Unicorns and Jello and Beards, Oh My!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (in which case, feel free to crash in my basement instead - it’s furnished!), everyone knows how intense the American election has been. Obamarama kick-started all our hearts. Who isn’t smitten by the charming Mr. O?

The day after the notable inauguration, I woke up at 6 a.m. (I’m a vampire actually, I never wake up to sunlight) and trekked my way to class. I got the opportunity to venture off into the wilderness that is Humber college to survey an ample amount of youth about the American election.

I realized for some time now that us Canucks find American politics more interesting than the ones of our homeland. I never knew the extent of our boredom with our country’s politics until the survey was conducted. It showed that over 75% pay more attention to the shenanigans south of the border.

So, like Obama, I want to make a change - in our home and native land. To all party leaders, I propose a bunch of ideas that I expect to be followed in upcoming years, to intruige and entertain Canadians about poli-shticks.

Let’s have some fun, shall we?

First off, make like a hockey team and grow a beard throughout the entire play-offs that you call an election. Don’t you even dare shave until it’s all over (unless of course, you don’t want to win). Men with beards are sexy; everyone knows it. Jack Layton is already a baby step ahead of the pack with his luscious moustache. John Doyle of The Globe and Mail will retire from referring to Stephen (Mr. Harper if youu're nasty) as "hair-in-the-fridge", and settle for "beard-in-the-fridge". Beards automatically make anyone wiser and overall badass. Let Hans Langseth of Norway be your muse.


Rename the House of Commons to House of Jell-O Pudding. All MPs are invited to wrestle amongst eachother rather than having a sit down snoozefest. This would totally boost CPAC ratings...

If you run out of Jell-O pudding but still want high ratings, produce a reality show entitled Canada’s Next Top Minister. Have a hot but aging, washed up model as the host. I recommend Linda Evangalista. Each week, leaders will compete in campaigns and photoshoots and Linda will complain “you’re not smiling with your eyes!” and “Ignatieff, you’ve gotta be more fierce with your runway walk!” We all love reality television, whether we admit it or not, because who ever passes up an opportunity to laugh at someone else’s embarrassing misfortune?

It was neat that hippie-go-lucky Elizabeth May campaigned all over Canada on a bicycle. But I know just the thing to really spice things up. Forget the private jet, forget the coach bus. This time, travel via horse. Or if it’s within the budget, a unicorn. Children will love you and think you’re way cooler than Santa Claus, and no tacky, fleecy red suit is involved. But remember...you will be rocking one badass beard!


Four years later when the whole thing has fizzled out, when your wife divorced you and Madonna dumped you for a 22 year old Brazilian model, publicly admit to using steroids all throughout the election. It’s all the rage now, haven’t you noticed?

On behalf of all Canadians (and Star Wars nerds), may the force be with you.