How To Really Pick Up Women

(taken from my 'zine, Fierce, volume 1)

Gentlemen, it’s time for you to put down that sleazy porno mag and pay attention. I am on my last nerve when it comes to how men think they can score a date with a woman. This outrage has grown bigger than ever since a certain reality show came into production. It’s a cable network show called The Pick-Up Artist. Nerdy, socially awkward, below average looking men*, with the help of their Ladies Man guru, attempt to pick up girls at bars by getting them drunk enough to say “when and where?”. This, in short, means that to get a girl to say yes you have to slip her a roofie first. it's saddening to see on the ol’ tube. I'm frightened at the thought of this being so normalized and acceptable in real life. It’s time for boys – yes, little boys, not men - to disrobe from their Tough Guise and learn a thing or two about chivalry and respect.

1. When we’re trying t cross the damn street, don’t whistle as us. We’re not a dog you’re calling to come and fetch a fucking tennis ball. By whistling at us in public we feel inappropriately judged based on our looks. If you do in fact happen to like the way I walk or what I am wearing, just say so nicely. “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice, I really like your style,” is an acceptable compliment. “Hey sexy thing! Where ya going to hot mama?” is not. I am a human being, not an object.

2. When you do spot us at a bar and we’re alone or with a friend or two, we don’t mind a little chit chat but when you’re piss drunk and the smell of tequila is becoming a problem, maybe you should take a hint and talk to us when you’re sober. The reason I know a lot of women feel this way is because when a guy acts overly friendly, saying nice things we don’t usually hear, we go ahead and assume you say such things due to your heavy intoxication.

3. When you’re on a date, we don’t want to constantly hear about how much money you make or how nice and expensive your condo is. It’s great you're a successful individual but if you’re a cocky one at that, don’t be so eager for a second date. Personally, I want to become acquainted with someone’s soul not their bank account.

4. For the love of God, look at our eyes and not at our breasts! (unless we give you permission, that is).

* I happen to find nerdy, socially awkward, so-called average men to be really sexy.